Here we are. In June. The beginning of summer. The weather is warming. The daisy dukes are coming out of the closets of women everywhere. The sundresses are causing accidents in the streets as men glare at the booty print of a woman’s rotund ass pressing against the cloth. And one of White people’s greatest contributions to the world will make its yearly appearance in 7Elevens everywhere. That contribution is…
… Jesus Sandals.
I know White people usually get a bad rep for appropriating the shit out of everyone else’s cultural contributions. But as a defender of humanity (as I usually like to call myself) I have to say that there are a few things that White people deserve a little credit for bringing into our cool ass world of ours. And these damn sandals are one of them.
Sure. Everyone wears these delightful contraptions featuring straps of leather & rubbery soles. But only the palest of White people have perfected the art of wearing the shit outta these MFers.
You see, nothing warms my soul more than seeing a family of White people enjoying themselves on a summer day while dressed to the nines in khakis, polo shirts, and Jesus sandals…and knowing that when November rolls around, they’ll be wearing that very same gawd damn thing despite the fact that the temperature is 45° and windy. The cold is so bitter and brisk, their feet is chalky and ashy and look like freezer burned ham hocks – yet, they are chillin’ in a t-shirt and Jesus sandals without a care in the gawd damn world.
Yes. It’s true. For White people, Jesus sandals are an all-purpose shoe.
They’ll wear them with shorts. They’ll wear them with a hoodie and sweatpants. They’ll wear them in a full damn suit if there’s nobody there to talk them out of it. But little do we know, White people do this so hopefully we don’t have to go through it.
So next time you are frolicking through the park and listening to Barry Manilow’s Greatest Hits on your Spotify, think about who made it possible for you to wear those raggedy ass Jesus sandals you have on your feet: White people.